I’m scared. I sit here swallowing my own heart. I’ve tried to tread every step with a planned and careful thoughtfulness, to base every agonizing decision out of love, and attempt to anticipate the outcome. The possibilities and uncertainty are tearing me to pieces.

Nico is my heart. He isn’t a pet, he is my family. He’s part of me. To lose him is to lose a piece of myself. I think of Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s words in The Little Prince: “you become responsible, forever, for that which you’ve tamed.” I am forever bound to him, just as he has quietly, steadily tamed a space within my heart – a vulnerability and joy I never knew existed. He is comfort and unconditional love. Nico finds solace in being as close as possible, always nestled in my lap, or sprawled, purring, on my chest when I lie down. It’s a comforting reassurance, a tangible expression of his unwavering affection. But under his tiny fur-covered body, the looming weight of responsibility feels immense.

The what-ifs are relentless and excruciating. Decision fatigue already has me worn thin. That I can’t know the future, that it can’t be predicted or guaranteed, is emotionally draining. It feels so wrong, but the anticipatory grief and pain of potential loss, the thought of possibly not saying goodbye… or having to – has me frozen in fear.

So, here I wait, stuck, terrified, in a situation that might truly be unfixable. I’m trying to focus on providing comfort and love, to appreciate all of the small things, and to cherish whatever time is left. These moments are now treasures, held tight against a despair I cannot silence – a rending that comes not from absence, but from the agonizing glimpse of what is to be lost.

Hot tears sting my eyes, a bitter offering to the shadow I feel falling across my soul – a silent acknowledgement of a loss that could unravel my very being. The certainty of the coming sorrow darkens even the sweetest joys. A crushing weight aches within my chest, a raw and painful reminder of what will very soon be. Despite my brokenness, I desperately plea with the darkness: I must believe that if this is goodbye, please let it be only temporary. If there is something more after we leave this place, let me forever choose to come back for just the chance to meet him and love him again.

Daddy loves you, Nico. <3