A sense of guilt washes over me, again. I watch as you sleep, restlessly. Your ears and whiskers twitch as you dream, someplace beyond this cruel reality I’m trapped within. I feel foolish. I’ve secretly held my hopes high, but the truth of things comes ever more steadily into focus, crushing the dream I’ve managed cling to. Why must it be this way? Why does hope erode in such jagged and agonizing contortions?

I’ve asked so much of you that I feel ashamed of how selfish I’ve been; I can’t bring myself to let you go. While all this time, you’ve fought so hard to hold on for me. You’ve weathered my constant toil, the pills, the feedings. My chest heaves as hot blood rushes to my face and tears streak down my cheeks, falling silently into the abyss. I hold my breath to silence a sob.

I’ve wondered if perhaps this final time together is a gift.Taking care of you; forcing you to eat felt both wrong and right. I was your will when you had none. But now I question whether I’ve done the correct thing. Am I prolonging your suffering?

You’re still MY Nico. But our pain has changed us both. You still seek my comfort, but it’s more slowly, cautiously, as if the wrong move will hurt. I breathe shallowly, careful not to disturb your uneasy cuddles atop me. Watching every twitch of your body in anticipation that I’ve moved too much.

I don’t want you to go. I don’t want you to leave me here, alone. I want to come too. When you last close your eyes, let me cross with you. I know I cannot.

Let me carry you across the divide. Let me take your pain.

A new wave of grief crashes through me.

Wherever you go, Nico, my love goes with you.